Out Damn Spot

Day 1:  Meditation Practice
My family room is not the most peaceful place.  It is strewn with toys and full of color and right next to the kitchen and laundry room.  But tonight I begin my practice by sitting on the floor with three cushions stacked beneath me.

It takes a long while to find a comfortable pose.  I haven't stretched and I am tired and yawning as I begin to breathe in, breathe out.  I am merely practicing a simple Mindfulness technique I read about, focusing on breathing.  I attempt a few feeble "Om"'s but feel silly.  Do you say the Om on the out or the in?  How long to you hold it?  It's not comfortable and it makes me think too much, so I stop.

I find my third eye, focus on the flame in my head.  I've made a few attempts at this in the past and have seen wonderful psychedelic bursts of color, like Tie-Dyes exploding in my head.  Tonight it's a dark pulse of brain waves.

My breathe is shallow and as I watch the waves I completely forget about it.  But the thoughts are there.  Weird, random, bad, good, all rushing at me.  I try to let them wash over the waves but the dishwasher kicks on and then I hear someone singing way in the distance and a nightmarish bloody image comes into my head.  Where did that come from?  I try to rationalize it and push it away, but it pulses behind my eyes until I press them with my palms and breathe again.

I give up.
What was that? 

Despite that, at the moment I feel more calm and centered.  The nightmare image was my brain trying to shock me out of peace.  I'm fighting myself.  Let's try again tomorrow.

Intention

Meditation has long intrigued me, but it wasn't until recently that I decided to study it and to begin a practice.  I'm not even sure I used to understand the concept of a practice.  It was more of a, "this odd thing at the end of my yoga workout seems interesting." 

The desire really began to take root when my 3 young children began to reach toddlerhood.  I was seeking to create a more peaceful and mindful daily rhythm to our lives.  I wanted to be more present for them, seeking to find a connection and a balance with a life I find difficult, meeting the needs of these small creatures who need so much.  Also, I wanted to yell less. 

I begin today and set my intention.  Twice a day, for the next 365 days, I will endeavor to meditate.  I will see where it takes me.  Or, rather, where I take myself.